Run Away

 Today my heart KNOWS I am blessed. My logical brain is aware of the reality that has not came far in three years tho!! 

I have made goals (And I never did that before losing my Bub)

Before meeting him life was so stupid,  goals were not a thing I set. I didn’t grow up having dreams, coz the plan was to die early and leave a pretty corpse!! Bub passing away tho, shattered my heart my world and broke my logical brain!! The goal AFTER meeting him? Was to raise the kids as best we could. Buy a home together and die before him!! 

All that ended, the day He passed!! WTF?!!  I guess survival mode kicked in?! And  has had me making goals and all that ish?!! I guess therapy helped with that?!!! IDK? 

I just know currently I am at a super low place. Apathy is here tho. I use to want to make it have some kind of stable situation. I do not even care enough to keep it together at this point. I feel lower than I did the day my love got his wings!! I cannot even believe I am feeling that enough to type it out. This reality that seemingly is not changing is  beyond  overwhelming me currently tho!! I just want to run away!! 

A while back, had a thought/feeling that I wanted a *boyfriend*  I ended up crossing paths with a certain guy, we even met IRL, and  TBH seemingly it is not going the way I had hoped it would. I felt  a spark and that rarely ever happens so I  pursued it! Crazy! I know! I did tho. And currently it is seemingly stagnant!! Not sure if he is avoidant wtf ever that is… but it is not going anyway where as far as I can tell. With all that said. IF you pray in Jesus’ name say a prayer or two for me!! I need them!!  Stay blessed and much love…